Thursday, July 14, 2016

The Pain of Sweet Memories......

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I recently came across this poem by D.H.Lawrence. The novelist is famous for his exploration of repressed emotions and Oedipal conflict in some of his major works. This poem was a pleasant discovery. While I tried to locate Lawrence in the poem, my mind took me away to a time in future when I would be old and my son would remember the times when he was little and together we had played at the piano. It was nostalgia of a different kind.

Then my mind hovered back to my nest of childhood. I saw my mother singing ghazals. I saw my grandfather reading his newspaper while my grandmother opened her trunks to show me her crochet shawls she had done when she was young. I heard the hearty laughter of my father from the basement where his office was. The door to the basement stairs was ajar and I was spying to hear his joke and tell my mom. All I could hear was his laugh - energetic and unrestrained. I then saw my brother taking me back home from school. He was teasing me since once again I had failed to notice that our car was parked right in front and I had passed it and climbed the school-bus. He had honked but I was lost in my own world. I didn't hear and I didn't see. And he made a good joke out of it. Okay, I seemed angry at first but I joined him soon. He was so lively, how could his spirit not touch my soul. 

Just then, I felt my cheeks were wet. Ah, tears....they were so slippery, I could not contain them longer. Taking a deep breath, I wiped them and looked around. What was it about memories? They made us smile, they made us cry, and still we clung to them as if they were the oars that would help us sail in the ocean of life. We held on to them as if they were the wings that would help us fly when the stormy wind tried to lead us to unknown paths.

How far had I come, I thought. Physically, I could never touch my grandparents, my father and my brother any more. They were on unknown shores on unseen lands. I saw them sometimes in my dreams, but just like dreams, they vanished when I opened my eyes. I wanted to touch my mom but we sat miles away from one another. But her presence was a solace. Like a light-house she shines, guiding me from afar, frustrating my fears, encouraging me to sail on.

Was I happy at that moment? I cannot say. I was happy to relive the past. But it was gone now, and that gave me pain. I missed my brother the most for I could not say my good-bye to him when he departed. Since I could not talk to him, I wrote this for him. May be his soul can read it.


The Tales I Will Tell

I wasn't born just a daughter 
But a sister too - 
A sister to you....
To me you were
Part of my childhood,
My other essence
Like two buds of the same plant
We grew together
Fighting for sunshine and space
Blooming despite the stormy winds
Striding many paths
Crossing many hurdles
And then one day, I decided to uproot myself -
Landing on alien soil
I persisted
While you floundered 
On familiar grounds

I knew not you would wither away
Leaving me alone
Stranded 
Abandoned
You always called yourself 'big'
Boasted you would forever be elder to me
As you were born before me
But as I venture forward with my beating heart,
And age 
I search for you
Futilely
Vainly
Wanting to tell you
I have put more miles to my strides than you
Wanting to brag about my age
To show you I have more candles on the cake than yours
But also to tell you
I never wanted to be 'bigger' to you
That even when you are gone
You still remain and will forever be my 'Big' brother….
Our childhood has vanished
Just like you
But our memories will be carried forward
In the tales I will tell
About you and me
Tales of a little sister and her 'big' brother.....



Linking to IndiSpire Edition 126



60 comments:

  1. Memories are a queer mix of joy and grief... Nice that joy surpasses in your bag ☺

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    1. Does joy really surpass....? I wonder....

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  2. My heart goes out for the moments you've put down Sunaina. Such a moving piece, it's like you've reduced into words a part of your beating heart. God bless you.

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    1. Thanks Anupam....It is my heart that I put in the word.....

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  3. सुनैना, यादें...! यह यादें ही तो है, जो इंसान को हसाती भी है और रुलाती भी है। बहुत अच्छे से लिखा है।

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  4. I thought of reading your poem in your voice, but found some quivers that I couldn't bear. Truely a moving poem.

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    1. Thanks for understanding the pain and the yearning Pranju.....

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  5. The comparison of mother as the lighthouse and the siblings from the same plant as buds fighting for sunlight, how beautiful! Loved your poem. Like they say, don't cry because it's over but smile because it happened . :)

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    1. But I cry and smile at the same time....cannot help....

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  6. This is such a beautiful piece of work. God bless you!

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  7. Nice poem!On sibling love and rivalry!. 'I never wanted to be 'bigger' to you That even when you are gone'.Almost brought tears to my eyes.Very well written!

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    1. Thanks Subha.....just poured out my heart although I know he is not here to read it....

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  8. No words to share here Sunaina. You just made me cry! I have always wanted a big brother, but do not have one. I just see how beautiful this relationship is. Take care dear.

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    1. Yes Jayanthy....Brothers are a blessing....

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  9. Moving indeed! and very beautifully written, Sunaina! Loved it:)

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  10. Really a moving story.. So beautifully expressed the feelings Sunaina.. Your writing skills are amazing and truly that's the gift of God with you..All the best!

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  11. We all cherish living with old memories that sometimes give us respite from our present struggles

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  12. Siblings always have a special bond that can never be broken. How beautifully you've captured these memories.

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  13. Very touching lines...and so moving! I How a poem can trigger a flood of memories...beautifully worded poem! Memories keep our loved ones alive when they are gone, don't they...thats why they are special!

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  14. this brought tears to me eyes... it's extremely poignant... your feelings so raw and yet so beautifully you have expressed. You really know how to touch a reader!!

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  15. I salute the positivity within you. The way you channel your emotions into creativity is an inspiration for others. Always remain like this.

    And the poem is superb. :)

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    1. Thanks Ravish....coming from you it means a lot....You inspire too.....

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  16. Loved the poem and the memoirs; particularly the poem!

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  17. The poem and memoir is beautiful and touching. Memories, they are weird. And the way you have put it, brilliant .😃

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  18. Great poem by sis to her brother, he will surely love it.
    You expressed it beautifully.

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  19. Such a beautiful poem. Shared.

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  20. As I was reading about your memories, I thought of my own. My grandparents, fun with little brother and parents. Now, I feel memories have to be beautiful so that years later when we sit to think about them, we may smile and those tears of joy don't feel odd.
    Sunaina, this was such a heartfelt post. The poem you wrote for your brother is so beautiful. Hugs and sorry that he is not around. He will always be your big brother.

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    1. Your kind words made me feel so good....Thanks Parul....truly heartfelt thanks....

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  21. Sunaina, I read myself in your words!
    I always think I am the only little sister, who has to live with such an extent of pain, but then I read you. We have 2 choices - cry for what we miss today or cherish what we were blessed with.
    I try hard to stick to the later.

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    1. My heart goes out to you Nitya.....Hugs to you my dear.....

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  22. Memories, they always come in a mixed bag of emotions. You've beautifully picked up the joyous ones...loved the way you did that.

    And, thanks for the 'Piano'...I read it for the first time. Quite a different side of Lawrence. :-)

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  23. Words cannot describe what I felt reading this post

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  24. How beautifully you have captured the memories of the nostalgic moments Sunaina. A very heartfelt post.

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  25. How beautifully you have captured the memories of the nostalgic moments Sunaina. A very heartfelt post.

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  26. Ouch...nostalgia sometimes really really hurts...beautiful reminisces so marvellously penned..

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  27. Down in the flood of remembrance, I weep like a child for the past....Such a beautiful composition by Lawrence. I felt the tremors in my heart the same way you did and the poem you wrote for your brother is really very deep. It is probably the most insightful and moving post I have come across in a long time. Nicely done Sunaina. My best wishes:-)

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    1. Means a lot Amit.....Thank you so much for being such a support.....

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  28. Very touching. I struggle with memories, it's all part of the healing/grieving process I tell myself. Sometimes the memories make me smile and sometimes they make me laugh, often the tears get in there too. Thanks for sharing this.

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    1. Yes Erica....it is all part of the healing process....When I read about you, I realized how difficult it is not just for me but for everyone around. No one is spared the sorrow...But it is the spirit inside that helps us fight....

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  29. Once again your post made me cry during these wee hours of the night. Your poem so evocative that its simply transfixed me with your memories. Becoming older than your elder brother is indeed the greatest pain, but you have poured it into this concoction of emotions brilliantly.
    One of the most beautiful poems I've ever read. I deeply relate with your emotions. Hugs and God bless. :) <3

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    1. Sorry Sangeeta....But maybe it is the connection that we share that makes you feel so much when you read my posts....Some invisible thread may be....

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  30. What can I say?You have left me speechless.Beautiful poem,very touching!

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